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“We didn’t think it was scientifically possible for there to be -4 people in a room,”

‘Stunned’ Scientist

PEACOCK THEATRE, LSE – In an unprecedented defiance of previously known laws of physics, a group of LSE students managed to accomplish what even the brightest minds at Imperial and CERN would not dare to dream of: creating negative mass, through negative attendance.

The law of conservation of mass states that, in the universe, mass can neither be created nor destroyed by chemical or physical changes, meaning nothing can simply vanish without a trace. However, recent developments at the LSE Peacock Theatre during this Winter Term Reading Week has cast doubt over hundreds of years of allegedly irrefutable laws of nature, as a bewildered Statistics professor recorded a negative attendance rate during his 9 a.m. ST102 lecture on Tuesday.

“I entered the Peacock Theatre and immediately sensed that something was different”, the visibly shaken academic tells Raccoon reporters. “It wasn’t just that no one was there – I’m used to that during Reading Week. No, it was more than that – or rather, even less? I immediately texted my colleagues at Imperial: ‘You’ve got to come see this – there’s less than nothing here!’”

Since Tuesday, physicists from around the world have hastily flocked to the Peacock Theatre to observe this incredible phenomenon. They all hope to find new scientific opportunities at the site, speculating that the negative attendance rates may lead to major breakthroughs in energy industries, space exploration and even time travel. In light of these extraordinary developments, the vanished group of LSE students is expected to win this year’s Nobel Prize in Physics.

At the time of publishing, the negative attendance rates are steadily decreasing (or increasing? who knows at this point) with no signs of stopping. The Raccoon reached out to the missing LSE students for comment, and simply received the following reply: “idk man we’re in albufeira rn [sic].”

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