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LONDON — In a dramatic turn of events that has stunned LSE’s media landscape, The Raccoon is set to acquire rival publication, The Beaver (@beaveronline), following a cascade of corruption scandals, misuse of SU funding, and potential infighting issues.

The Raccoon has since launched an aggressive investigative probe. The rigorous interrogation methods employed have included—but were by no means limited to—palm reading, tea leaf interpretation, and a highly scientific battery of Buzzfeed quizzes (notably, “Which Hogwarts House Are You?” and “Pick an Animal and We’ll Tell You Your Moral Alignment”).

“The Beaver’s Editor-in-Chief’s palm had a long, twisted line connecting the Ring of Solomon to the Lifeline,” reported a highly (un)accredited Raccoon palmistry expert. “In chiromantic terms, that basically screams ‘corrupt media practices.’”

Additional tea leaf readings revealed symbols commonly associated with “mismanagement”, “Gemini” and “fraud”. A Buzzfeed quiz completed under pressure yielded the result: “You got Slytherin – you love power, prestige, and siphoning student funds.” The Favourite Animal quiz also revealed similarly damning results – many Beaver members eagerly chose the Beaver. Psychologists consulted by The Raccoon confirm this indicates a “deep-seated self-idolatry” and “potentially concerning levels of brand narcissism.”

“Potentially concerning levels of brand narcissism.”

Psychologist*

“I am deeply disappointed by this,” shares W.B., SU Activities Officer. “I should have known something was off when I opened their expense tracker spreadsheet and it was just… a JPEG of a beaver. No numbers. Just pixels.”

As the Raccoon, we pledge to be a blazing torch of truth, illuminating the cobweb-strewn corner of the LSE media landscape once tenuously held by The Beaver. This is definitely not the last you will see of the Raccoon Investigations Patrol (RIP). We have plans to expose the true identity behind LSE Confessions, send a spy to NYU to uncover its secrets and investigate the years of corporate lobbying which have deprived the LSE Economics department of a common room. 

We sincerely pledge to surpass the Beaver’s legacy and prove ourselves as the most legit student newspaper in the Holborn area.

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