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LSE CAMPUS — According to shocking new research that has prompted calls for ceremonial reform, LSE graduation ceremonies are so long they’re visibly ageing students. A study tracking 500 graduates found participants aged an average of 6.9 years between walking into the Peacock Theatre and finally escaping hours later.
“I went in looking like I was ready to take on BCG,” said Emma Chen, 22, who graduated with a degree in Economics last week. “By the time they called my name, I looked like I’d already been working there for a decade.”

One graduate who endured three separate ceremonies (livestreams of friends’ graduations as well as his own) reported lasting psychological damage. “I know Larry Kramer’s entire speech by heart now. I physically wince every time he gets to the ChatGPT joke. It’s like watching the same sitcom on loop, except you’re stuck in formal wear and there’s only one channel.”

About 30 minutes in, when students realise they’ll have to hear every single thing being read aloud — full names, degree titles, awards and all — something shifts. “You can actually see the life leave their eyes,” explained Dr Nevil, who led the study. “It usually hits when there are still 200 names left.” Graduates are expected to applaud fervently for all of their peers, resulting in what researchers call Performative Applause Strain Syndrome.

The ageing effects don’t stop when they exit the hall. The notorious queue for photos in front of the LSE sign has been flagged as another trauma site, with some families bringing camping chairs. The iconic background is deemed vital for one’s LinkedIn profile. “Twelve hours of flying, two hours of ceremony, two hours queuing for photos,” muttered one jet-lagged parent from Singapore. “I’ve spent more time celebrating my daughter’s degree than she spent writing her dissertation.”

Still, most graduates say the ordeal was worth it. “Sure, I look like a war veteran,” said Rob Robson, BSc IR. “But I’ve got my LSE degree and the mental fortitude to survive whatever corporate life throws at me.”

LSE’s next graduation ceremony is in December. Graduates are advised to bring comfortable shoes, hand lotion, and realistic expectations.

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