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SAW SWEE HOCK, LSE — The Raccoon has been told by senior party aides of a catastrophic split within the LSESU Yourparty society. A ‘Give It A Go’ session – which started with some light-hearted icebreakers – quickly descended into turmoil after the executive committee discovered a divergence of opinion over preferring to have one horse-sized duck as opposed to ten duck-sized horses. Although this first obstacle was overcome, the society’s fate was sealed after ownership of the email system was given to the president as opposed to the secretary. In an irony (that one would be forgiven for thinking was made up in a satire publication), just like the real party, the chime of an Outlook notification would be the death knell of this society. However, unlike the real party, there is currently no consensus on who started the dispute.

Swivel chairs with attached mini tables could be seen being pelted across the Old Building, provoked by the president being compared to a Menshevik, in a simile already being described as “way too far.” One student is at risk of suspension due to a video surfacing, in which she reportedly glassed and subsequently leathered another student over the public email spat.

Activities and Communities Officer, Sachin, issued a response.

“As your Activities and Communities Officer, I cannot reasonably ignore what I consider already to be the biggest drama of the Students’ Union this year — nothing will surpass this in severity, and we must act accordingly. When I heard the Outlook chime, I felt my heart sink. I urge the society to take a step back, look at the bigger picture, and hope that they will recognise internal society disputes should never be dealt with via facts, logic, or bureaucratic red tape, but in the only manner acceptable to LSE students — through a heartfelt LinkedIn post. Endz.”

The Raccoon is also delighted to be told (in confidence) that the SU has already decided no-one of importance will resign over this. Middle-management and below, good luck from all of us at The Raccoon, and please be aware that you may not use library printers to make a copy of your CV.

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