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PEARLY GATES, HEAVEN — “It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a Sway reseller to enter the kingdom of God.” These are the words reverberating through the heavenly plane, following God’s press conference this morning.

The issue of Sway reseller greed has seemingly been a major issue in heavenly discourse for a while now, with the widespread ‘evils’ of ticket scalping causing serious concern. It appears that witnessing the act of “attempting to sell a £7 ticket for £30” was God’s final straw, and – upon inquiry from some angels in the audience – He confirmed that the degree of capitalistic gluttony He was witnessing amongst Sway ticket resellers was, indeed, “biblical.”

He followed this proclamation by expressing his disgust, stating that the level of profit-chasing observed is so obscene that “they make me think Judas wasn’t so bad, actually.” Judas Iscariot (the apostle who, infamously, betrayed Jesus for thirty pieces of silver) declined to comment on this, with his representatives sharing that he is “currently occupied with eternal repentance.”

Speaking to reporters from the Raccoon, the angel Gabriel voiced his thoughts: “I mean yeah, none of us are surprised, really. You can’t possibly buy 5 tickets, sell them for 400% of the original price and still think you’re a good person. If anything, we didn’t know why He hadn’t announced this sooner– wait, not that I’m questioning His divine wisdom– can you stop writing this down?”

The question that now remains: what is to be done about it? Potential ideas for retribution circulated included “a plague of locusts”, “striking them down with lighting”, and “dooming them to always reach the final interview round, without landing the job.”

Though nothing has been confirmed as of yet, God’s representatives have urged Sway resellers to reflect on their actions: “it is not too late to repent for betraying your soul.”

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