“They’re just going to buy drugs with it” maintains cocky first-year as he rolls another joint in Bankside.

LONDON – Mathematics, Statistics, and Business student Oliver Hartley-Webb has once again walked past a homeless person on Kingsway without offering change, citing concerns the money would be “irresponsibly spent on drugs,” sources confirmed, while Hartley-Webb prepared to drop £40 on weed from his dealer Callum.

“You have to be realistic,” explained Hartley-Webb, exhaling from his £1,400-per-month studio window. “If I give them money, they’ll just waste it on substances. You can’t enable poor decision-making.”

Hartley-Webb, who smokes “pretty much daily” and spent £200 on MDMA last weekend, insists his situation is “completely different.”
“I’m a responsible user. I only smoke after lectures, and I’m still getting a 2:1. Probably,” he said. “That’s not the same as someone with dependency issues.”

When asked whether the person sleeping in a Strand doorway might also benefit from the temporary relief substances provide, Hartley-Webb called the comparison “reductive and frankly offensive.”

“That’s not even the point,” he continued, scrolling through his Monzo app, which showed recent transactions including £87 at a craft beer pub and £45 on Deliveroo. “The real issue is structural. These people need proper support systems, not handouts. I actually did a presentation on this in LSE100.”

That presentation, according to classmate Sophie Chen, argued for increased funding for homeless services while simultaneously proposing tax cuts. “Oliver kept saying we need to ‘trust the market’ to allocate resources efficiently,” Chen recalled. “Then he asked to borrow my Uber account because he’d maxed out his overdraft.”

At press time, Hartley-Webb was telling his seminar that “personal charity doesn’t address root causes” before ducking out to meet Callum behind CBG.